Smoke and Mirrors
The Morning News, July 25, 2008

Why Won't People Just Let Themselves Be Inspired By My Blog?
The Big Jewel, June 25, 2008

The Winner's Circle: Life
McSweeney's, June 24, 2008

I've Decided to Start Acting More French
Yankee Pot Roast, June 11, 2008

Ladies First
The Morning News, May 16, 2008

Jobs That Have Salaries Arguably Incommensurate With The Work They Entail
McSweeney's, May 14, 2008

Identity Crisis
The Morning News, April 11, 2008

Alan Roney: Tourette Syndrome-Afflicted Jurassic Park Tour Guide
Yankee Pot Roast, April 8, 2008

The Winner's Circle: Twister
McSweeney's, April 4, 2008

Bill Hick, Science Prick Crushes Contest Entrants with Wicked Impunity
The Science Creative Quarterly, March 12, 2008

Eric Feezell, Who's Not Bitter, Sends A Few E-Valentines To Ex-Girlfriends
The Big Jewel, February 13, 2008

Begging the Question
The Morning News, February 8, 2008

Not-So Intrepid Moments of the Lewis and Clark Expedition
The Big Jewel, January 30, 2008

The Winner's Circle: Hungry Hungry Hippos
McSweeney's, January 16, 2008

You Say You Want a Resolution
The Morning News, January 11, 2008

Art Movements Inspired by 2008 Presidential Hopefuls
McSweeney's, January 10, 2008

Life After Masturbation
The Morning News, December 7, 2007

Hoyle's Modernized Rules for War
Yankee Pot Roast, December 7, 2007

Black Shoe Diary: Installment Four
McSweeney's, December 5, 2007

Strictly Business
The Morning News, November 9, 2007

New Romantic-Networking Websites for the Single Archaeologist
McSweeney's, November 8, 2007
(with Wayne Gladstone)

My Imagined Eulogy, As Given By My Boss In Office Jargon
McSweeney's, November 6, 2007

The Backseat Killer
The Morning News, October 31, 2007
(with The Morning News staff)

The Winner's Circle: Yahtzee
McSweeney's, October 22, 2007

A Very Tall Patriot Has Something To Tell You
Yankee Pot Roast, October 22, 2007

Unfortunate
The Morning News, October 12, 2007

The Winner's Circle: Monopoly
McSweeney's, September 25, 2007

The Kids Are Alright
Titular Journal, September 25, 2007

Happily Heifer After
The Morning News, September 14, 2007

Patents I Have Sought, and Failed, to Obtain
McSweeney's, September 4, 2007

The Six-Month Benihana Job Evaluation of Mindfreak's Criss Angel
The Big Jewel, August 29, 2007
(with Wayne Gladstone)

Raymond, Master of Sandwich Puppets
Pindeldyboz, August 22, 2007

Hooking It Up
The Morning News, August 17, 2007

Current Choix de Menu from the Cafe de Dictateur
Yankee Pot Roast, August 17, 2007

Cat Heathens
The Morning News, July 20, 2007

It Seems I Made a Critical Error While Editing the Wikipedia Entry for "Elves"
The Big Jewel, July 18, 2007

That Boy
The Morning News, June 29, 2007

Black Shoe Diary: Installment Three
McSweeney's, June 27, 2007

Less Popular Fonts Lash Out at Times New Roman
The Big Jewel, June 13, 2007

The Corridor
SoMa Literary Review, June 1, 2007

American Capitalism                                                   
The Morning News, June 1, 2007

Accounts of My More Notable Childhood Street Fights, Written Not By Me But By Totally Unbiased Eyewitnesses
McSweeney's, May 30, 2007

For Those About to Pretend to Rock, We Salute You
Metro Silicon Valley, May 16, 2007

Gleesome Threesome
The Morning News, May 11, 2007

Best Buy Frequently Asked Questions: Returning A Damaged Item
The Big Jewel, May 2, 2007

Recital
Six Sentences, May 1, 2007

Barack Obama May Be Getting A Bit Too Forthcoming with Regard to His Smoking
McSweeney's, April 19, 2007

Second Lust
The Morning News, April 6, 2007

Battle of the Bands Who Would Have No Career If Radiohead Had Kept Making Accessible Music
The Big Jewel, April 4, 2007
(with Wayne Gladstone)

Page 194 of the 276-Page Memoir of a Golden Retriever Named Chewy
MonkeyBicycle, March 27, 2007

I Did It
The Morning News, March 23, 2007

Before They Worked for Fanta
Yankee Pot Roast, March 1, 2007

Long-Awaited Sequels to Aeschylus's Prometheus Bound
McSweeney's, February 22, 2007

Bill Hick, Science Prick, Serves Suckas on the Block
Science Creative Quarterly, February 22, 2007 (with Danny Feezell)

My Bloodthirsty Valentine
The Morning News, February 13, 2007

Beavis and Butt-head Do Beckett
Yankee Pot Roast, January 29, 2007

Black Shoe Diary: Installment Two
McSweeney's, January 24, 2007

Unfortunate Chain of Events Leading Up to Pluto's Loss of Planethood
Science Creative Quarterly, January 23, 2007

Barack to the Drawing Board
The Morning News, January 18, 2007

Wii Feel Your Pain 
The Morning News, December 12, 2006

Bill Hick, Science Prick, Houses on Fools
Science Creative Quarterly, December 7, 2006

Billy Molinowski and Marty the Dream Bike (A True Story)
Opium Magazine, December 4, 2006

Zach de la Rocha Performs the Preschool Poetry Slam Circuit
Yankee Pot Roast, November 30, 2006

The Office of National Drug Control Policy Steps It Up
The Big Jewel, November 29, 2006

Other Tobacco Mascots that Met with Disapproval from the American Medical Association
McSweeney's, November 16, 2006

I am Robo-Maid, I am Here to Help
The Big Jewel, November 1, 2006

Googling for Trouble
The Morning News, October 30, 2006

AOL Instant Messenger in a Bottle
Opium Magazine, October 9, 2006

Select Passages from the International Guide for Metric Conversion
Yankee Pot Roast, September 28, 2006

Elitist Proverbs
The Big Jewel, September 27, 2006

Hugo Chavez May Have Anger Management Issues
McSweeney's, September 25, 2006

Original Title Suggestions by J.D. Salinger's Publisher that Could Have Been Deleterious to the Success of His Magnum Opus
McSweeney's, August 30, 2006

Anticlimactic Retellings of Near-death Experiences Rejected for Inclusion in a Forthcoming Talk-show Segment Entitled "Life, Death, and Beyond."
McSweeney's, August 24, 2006

North Korea Furthers Its Demands
Yankee Pot Roast, August 22, 2006

Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja
McSweeney's, July 24, 2006

Board Games Inspired by the Bush Administration
McSweeney's, July 6, 2006

The Future of Organized Labor
The Morning News, June 29, 2006

Sometimes, At Work, I Feel Like Maybe I'm Being Singled Out...
Yankee Pot Roast, June 20, 2006

Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga
Yankee Pot Roast, June 5, 2006

How to Get Out of Trouble with Your Mom Using Nothing but Lines from Point Break
The Big Jewel, May 31, 2006

Possible Names for a Child Conceived by an Almond Fanatic and a Lover of the Movie Young Guns
McSweeney's, May 5, 2006

Raisin Hell
The Morning News, May 2, 2006

Favorable Outcomes Generated by Talking About the Weather
Yankee Pot Roast, April 28, 2006

Water Buffalo Outsourcing
The Big Jewel, April 26, 2006

Do You Have Hipsters?
The Morning News, April 21, 2006

Nihilist Job Résumé
McSweeney's, April 3, 2006

Hot Dogs: Crisis In America
The Big Jewel, March 22, 2006

Welcome to the Machine
Yankee Pot Roast, March 16, 2006

Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center
Yankee Pot Roast, March 1, 2006

Literary Terms Derived Not from the Greek, But from The Brady Bunch
Yankee Pot Roast, February 10, 2006

Help! Am I Stuck In a Creedence Clearwater Revival Song? -- A Survival Guide
Yankee Pot Roast, February 3, 2006

From the Diary of Out of This World's Evie Garland
Yankee Pot Roast, January 19, 2006

Ned Learned the Hard Way (God's a Valley Girl, Among More Important Lessons)
Opium Magazine, January 18, 2006

Yes Frontman Jon Anderson's Instructions to His Dogsitter
McSweeney's, January 9, 2006

Excerpts from T.S. Eliot's First Draft of The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock Written While He Was Deliriously Hungry
Yankee Pot Roast, January 6, 2006

Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?
Yankee Pot Roast, December 6, 2005

In Response to My Little Sister's Plea for Assistance on Her History Report -- Topic: The Middle Ages
Yankee Pot Roast, November 1, 2005

Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced
McSweeney's, July 15, 2005