Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face (Segment idea)

DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room (Segment idea)

Guatemalan Flight's Data-Recording Parrot Holds Clues To Crash (Segment idea)

Sexy New ‘Faxting’ Trend Gaining Popularity Among Those Without Cell Phones (Crawl, 0:14)

Still Ahead This Hour ... How to Text with Your Kids About Sex ("Still Ahead," end of segment)

News From Lexington, KY: Self-Made Man Defective (Crawl, 1:10)

Report: Earth's Atmosphere Now 1% Corn Syrup (Crawl, 1:36)

Breaking News: 112 Killed By Suicide Carbon-Monoxide-Poisoner Who Parked Idling Van Inside Mosque (Crawl, 0:49)

CIA Denies Inventing MSG to Destroy Chinese-American Community (Crawl, 0:49)

Confectionery Industry Reports Chocolate Coins Now Worth Less Than the Cost of Making Them (Crawl, 1:47)

Ohio-Based Women's Coalition's 'Get Out the Vote Your Husband Told You to Cast' A Historic First Step for Spineless, Dependent Women Everywhere (Crawl, 1:10)

Troubling Report Released by U.S. Dept. of Guys Who Want Blow Jobs Suggests Supply May Never Catch Up to Demand (Crawl, 1:35)

National Sherbet Alert Raised to Orange ("Next Up," end of segment)

News From Montana: Newly Discovered Cluster of Dinosaur Bones Suggests Existence of a 200 Million-Year-Old Natural History Museum (Crawl, 1:40)

JCPenney.com Adds More Bandwidth to Accommodate Plus-Size Women's Section (Crawl, 0:11)

Giant Cake Jumps Out of Louie Anderson During Las Vegas Comedy Show (Crawl, 2:00)

Oregon Becomes First State to Outlaw Blogging While Driving (Crawl, 1:00)

Rep. Robert Ingersol (R-NC) Backs Marijuana Legalization Bill In Attempt to Connect with Estranged Pot Head Son (Crawl, 0:00)